Hell House.

Tyler suggested that we list our 5 picks for paintings to be turned into movies. (The results are in!) Actually, I think that the idea to turn this piece of shit Thomas Kinkade painting into a movie is much better than giving Quentin Tarrantino more money to make another one of his boring amoral crapfests. I've no idea what the plot should be, but the soundtrack absolutely must be culled from Tiny Tim's Christmas Album and the entire Blowfly catalogue. Speaking of the latter, I can't think of a better romantic male lead for the film.


Photo of Blowfly and his friend by Michael Pilmer © 2006

First up is this painting by Boyce Cummings. It's a good place to start as an antidote to Kinkade's prayer to Satan.


Thomas Cole's Voyage of Life: Old Age. I first encountered this wonder when Candlemass used a close-up of it for the cover of their Doom classic, Nightfall. Scared the hell out of me then + scares the hell out of me now = scary movie forever.



Jean-Michel Basquiat's Hollywood Africans. I don't know. The LA trip that brought this painting into being would make for quite the epic.


It was a toss up between these two Rosalyn Drexler paintings, Sorry About That and This Is My Wedding, so I'm including them both. In each of them I want to know how these people got here and where they're going next. Sounds like movie material to me.



Judith Linhare's Rabbit. This is one radiant rabbit. There's gotta be a story in there. And let's face it: We're ready for another bunny movie.


BONUS TRACK: Not a painting, but wouldn't this be fun? Open one of Warhol's time capsules and improv a film based on whatever happens to be inside the box. If you think I wouldn't sue you for using this idea without paying me money and giving me credit, you'd be sadly mistaken. Genius must be compensated. (That's why I didn't pay squat for all those Matthew Barney bootlegs I just scored.)